She should be thinking about the three papers she has to write before Thursday, her presentation tomorrow or her three finals next week... but she's having a really hard time doing just that. Instead she's thinking about a day months away, that might not even happen. Instead she's trying to come up with solutions to problems that won't exist for months. Instead she's thinking about how she wishes things worked out the way she wanted. She's not focused. She can't be focused.
Just when she thinks she can’t take any more, more comes.
The storms never cease. She doesn’t know what to do next, where to go, where to
turn. The choices she makes tend to lead her in circles, never taking her
anywhere but where is already knows she is.
She knows what is logical, but logical doesn’t make it right
and it definitely doesn’t make it easy.
Logical is the path her mind tells her to wander, but her
heart… her heart is split in two- pursuing what
she loves or pursuing who she loves.
How do you choose? Does she even have to choose? She doesn’t want to think that
way. She hates that she thinks that at all, but it is the logic playing against
her. What if who she loves doesn’t love her someday. What if they decide to
walk away; it wouldn’t be the first time she’s made a choice and been left
behind for it. She wants to add that love in as a factor, but should she? Is
that what they want? Would they factor her in if the situation were reversed?
Her heart is torn. Her mind tells her to follow the logic… her mind tells her
to forget her heart and her heart whispers in the moments of despair that to
get out of the circle she walks she must forget what her mind is telling her
and follow one of the loves.
I have become far too good at complaining, complicating, comparing.
That's not how it should be.
My life is the way God wants it to be- be thankful.
God has a plan for my life- simple.
God has a plan for everyone's life, and it isn't the same as mine- unique and incomparable.
I have a wonderful family- with parents who blessed me and gave me the gift of the gospel from birth, with siblings that are always there when I need them and who can always make me laugh, with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents that strength me when I'm weak and love me when I don't deserve it. I have friends that lift me when I'm at my lowest points and keep me grounded so I don't fall as far. I have a Heavenly Father that sent his only Begotten Son to Earth to suffer and die for me. I have a Heavenly Father that wants me to return to Him and has given me the knowledge of how to do that. I have a religion, a way of life, filled with hope, mercy, and love. I have friends who are serving God with all their heart, might, mind, and strength. I was given the opportunity to learn how to share that message, to love a people I knew nothing about, to grow in ways I never thought possible. Then I was given the opportunity to show others the faith and humility are not a weakness, and that we are not our failures. I have a prophet- a living and breathing man of God that leads me based on God's plan. I have a brother, a friend, a Savior, a Redeemer... and He knows me personally. He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, my joys, my pains, my trials, my triumphs... He knows everything. He loves me.
I am trying not to over think this, but that's no what I do. I over think everything. Parking spots, true/false questions, classes to take or not take, college, relationships, sock choice for the day... so yes, I'm over thinking this.... and I don't want to.
People call them feelings; they are supposed to help you explain what is going on in your head- if you're happy, sad, frustrated, excited, ect. ... Mine get mixed up in the words, lost in translation... They wander around in aimless circles, hoping one day I'll call their name and they'll be free to escape. They are forced into a small dark box, where no one can find them. Only coming out to see the light for brief periods, to make sure they are still alive and functioning, then back in the box they go.
It is easier that way.
Every once and a while, they get a little crazy, a little restless, sitting in that box of theirs. One, and sometimes more, bursts from the box and makes a mad rush to the surface. Wrecking my plans.
People call them feelings, I call them curve balls.
It is late, very very late. She is still awake, like she always is, staring at the ceiling.
If she was still there, she'd almost be 1/3 of the way done with her service. She'd almost be at 6 months. So she wonders, what would I be doing? It is a question she asks herself almost every day, and usually several times. What would I be doing right now? She knows what she wouldn't be doing... she wouldn't be writing papers for school, she wouldn't be trying to sell a contract, she wouldn't be living at her aunts house, she wouldn't be teaching preschool, she wouldn't have met her newest cousin, she wouldn't be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas, she wouldn't be able to drive home after rough weeks...
But what would she be doing? How would she be handling things- the storm that just destroyed so much of the country, companions, what would her health be like?
Mostly, she wonders when she will stop wondering all these things. She's thought, and prayed, and cried hours on end and she knows this is where she is supposed to be. She is supposed to be home, with family, getting ready to celebrate thanksgiving, and writing endless amounts of papers for school. She knows she's watched over and she knows she's loved...
Standing behind the lens of her camera, she finds her comfort. She finds her heart beat slows back to normal as she adjusts shutter speed and ISO. The world is much more simple through the lens of a camera. That's her favorite place to be.
It's a hard day.
Nightmares ransacked her sleep,
leaving her in hot sweat,
laying in an uncomfortable and empty bed.
It's moments like this when she is trying her hardest,
but more than that to remove it from her heart.
But it always comes creeping back,
She watches the sky,
the light slowly climbing through the darkness.
she promises herself,
someday that'll be me.
Someday... the light will win.